Saturday, June 15, 2013


So for some time now I have been made to feel inadequate.  Dumb. 
Incompetent is a word that I remember being used to describe me. 
Taken last year during a surprise Florida frost.
And I believed. 
I believed that I was not knowledgeable and because of that I floundered. 
I believed that I was weak and because of that I fell ill. 
I believed that I was just not good enough and because of that I minimized my self worth. 
Yesterday I opened myself up and it took a lot of courage. 
I apologized for things I did and for what I became because of what was done to me. 
And I am sorry that you cannot even remember what you said.
I am sorry that you cannot remember the conversation that changed my life.
Because you told me that I was your friend.
And I believed you.
And you hurt me terribly.
  I am sad. 
Sad because the attempt for something good did not result to much of anything. 
Things remain stagnant and I feel cheated. 
Cheated out of time, meaningful conversations and friendships.
 And most importantly self respect.
I reflect on the recent past and all the negatives. 
There were so many negatives and not a whole lot of laughter. 
So many lies and competition and egos.
Pretending it doesn't matter when it does.
But enough is enough. 
Regardless of the outcome, yesterday was a cleansing.
And I am a better person.
Because I hope that I made you feel better when you hurt me.
And I hope that I erased your loneliness when you told me I didn't belong.
I hope that you made friendships when you talked about me.
And made yourself proud when you called me incompetent.
For everyday I go home to a house full of people that love me.
And I have friends that surround me near and far.
I have learned so much more from time and places.
Knowing that you struggle to get to where I've already been.
We are crossing paths now at this place and time.
But where you are just on the way to your destination.
I've already been there and am coming back from mine. 

1 comment:

  1. I love you Ellen! This is so beautiful and brave. Truly my role model.